Sunday, March 13, 2005

Some dark realizations,I'm sorry

You know,when you start looking at the way you lived your life,some nasty dark things can come up.
As I try to become more self directed and aware of what and why I do things,it's amazing to realize how much control of my life I gave over to other people.
Especially sloffing off the thinking for myself part of being a whole person.
Due to this tendency,I have probably hacked off quite a few people who I would like to be friends with.
I have one person in my past,in particular,who took advantage of this weakness of mine.
He would get on the hunt against a person,system,whatever,and use me as one of his pitbulls.And the sad part was,I never questioned.I just assumed that he had my best interest at heart,so I would return the favor.It really sucks to realize that I was that gullible,and that stupid.I mean,I'm fully capable of pissing people off on my own,but to have done it under a different intent,and not for myself is discouraging,not to mention shameful.
There really isn't a way to go back and change what I've done,no matter the motivation,or
how I did it,it is my responsibility.
But,I can try to do it different from now on.
So,for all the people,especially in the Martial Arts realm,but anyone,who I allowed myself to be used against,I apologize.
The more I read,and meet some of you that I hurt,the worse it makes me feel.
And from now on,if I am confrontational,it will be for me,and done with a level head,in debate,
not in reaction to someone else's directives.
Thanks for reading.


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